Enforceable Statements

These past few weeks I have been busy with back-to-school meetings, trainings, etc. That is not always the most exciting part of the school year, but I have been particularly impressed with a couple of the trainings because I am learning some things I can use at home as well as at school. The first training I'm excited about is "Love and Logic." It is intended both for teachers who work with students and parents who work with children. There is a lot to Love and Logic, but one of the principles I have been trying to practice is the use of Enforceable Statements, and I have been amazed at how well it works.

The idea is that you are no longer going to be frustrated by what others do or don't do, but your life is governed by what you will do. For example, a few weeks ago when dinner was almost ready, I asked the kids to do a quick pick up and put some of their things away before dinner. I was telling everyone to do this and that, and I was being completely ignored. So, I decided to try using an enforceable statement and said something like, "I have made dinner for those who have put their stuff away. Only those who have put their stuff away may come to dinner because they are the only ones I have made dinner for." I was amazed at how quickly everyone jumped up and quickly did what I had been asking them to do for 15 minutes.

The next day I was driving to the store with a few unnamed children of mine. They had asked to come with me but had begun arguing, complaining, etc. while we were driving. I proceeded to say that I am going on a peaceful trip to the store. Others are invited to come with me, but only if they help me accomplish my goal of a peaceful trip; otherwise they will be brought back home. Once again all arguing stopped. So . . . I am thinking there is really something to this whole idea. Sometimes it takes a bit of thinking to figure out what exactly it is you are going to do, verses what you are telling them to do, but it seems to get a little bit easier the more you practice.

Here is an article written by one of the creators of Love and Logic:

Using Enforceable Statements by Jim Fay

Many children have an uncanny ability to get us pulled into trying to control what we really cannot.
Truly powerful Love and Logic parents recognize this and avoid this trap by using enforceable statements. Enforceable statements tell kids what WE will do or allow…rather than trying to tell THEM what to do.
When we set Love and Logic limits by saying what WE will do or what WE will allow:
We avoid looking like a fool when we can’t get our kids to do what we say.
We share some control with our children. As a result, they are much less likely to resist in order to regain control.
We avoid getting sucked into trying to control something we really can’t.

Examples of Love and Logic Enforceable Statements:
I give treats to kids who protect their teeth by brushing.
Breakfast is served until 7:30. Get all you need to hold you till lunch.
My car is leaving at 8 a.m.
I’ll listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.
I’ll take you guys the places you want to go in the car when I don’t have to worry about fighting in the back seat.
I’ll do all of the things I do for you around here when I’m feeling respected.
I give allowance to those who finish their chores.
I’ll provide TV and Nintendo when the chores are done.
I keep the toys I have to pick up. You can keep the ones you pick up.
I’ll be happy to buy you the clothes I feel are appropriate.
I’ll be happy to listen to you as soon as your father and I are finished talking.
I lend money to those who have collateral.
I lend the car to those who have made a deposit equal to the insurance deductible.
I’ll reimburse you for your college tuition for those classes in which you earn a “B” or above. I’ll be happy to give you the money when I see your report card.
©1998 Jim FayPermission granted for photocopy reproduction.